Whenever I work on my main writing project, I have to look up a lot of definitions. I will want to use a particular word in a passage, but then I realize that I’m not totally sure of its exact meaning. That happened recently with the word “goose.”
Now, I know what “goose” means when it’s used as a noun: “an evil, feathered being which delights in pain and destruction, and which has teeth on its beak, tongue, and even the roof of its goddamn mouth.” Seriously. Teeth. EVERYWHERE. I won’t post a picture of said teeth because that shit is disturbing. If you want to see for yourself, go ahead.
But the verb? It has more than one definition. I thought I knew of two. The definition of “to goose” that everyone knows is “to pinch someone’s butt.” The other definition I thought everyone knew was “to poke someone in the side in order to tickle them, thus possibly causing them to make a sound not unlike a goose’s honk.” This, however, is not a well-known definition of “to goose.” In fact, it’s not listed on any dictionary site I could find through Bing or Google. I guess it’s just something I made up and then forgot that I did. How very Katy-tastic.
“Mhmm. VERY Katy-tastic.” Shut up, Ibsen. Don’t give me that smartass glare of yours. I’ve watched you eat your own barf.
Anyway, the actual second definition of “to goose” is “to poke someone in the butthole with your finger.”
How did I, with all my childish poop jokes and Tina Belcher-esque preoccupation with butts, miss this? I brought it up with a friend right after I researched it. Does this even count as research? The conversation went as follows. To spare my friend from being associated with my infantile little blog, I’m not using her name. She shall simply be called “Friend.”
Me: Since when does “to goose” mean to poke someone in the butthole?
Friend: It’s always been. I learned that when I was like 6.
Friend: “What happens when you goose a ghost? You get a handful of sheet!”
Me: Whaaaa? Literally never heard that.
Friend: Basically how I learned it was grabbing someone’s ass, but like… from behind where your hand actually goes between their legs a bit
Me: In my house, we call that an unfortunate accident.
Me: It should probably be embarrassing how many times that happens. It’s mostly me unintentionally doing it to Hubbles. My depth perception and peripheral vision are both shit. He does make a really funny sound when I do it, though, so there’s that.
I think she got a little bit uncomfortable then. You’re probably uncomfortable right now, too, and I apologize for that. Unfortunately, however, I am not going to stop yet. Bear with me.
Last night, I nearly goosed Hubbs in the grocery store. I’m not into “butt stuff” – not judging anyone who is – so this is not something I ever do purpose. But, I was not lying above when I said that this happens an embarrassing amount. Whether or not I’ve done this in public, though, I don’t remember. Then again, since I remember little from my day-to-day life, it is not unreasonable to assume* that I have executed a public goosing in the past. Because I find hilarity in personal mishaps that should inspire shame, I had to text my girlfriend to tell her what I did.
Me: Almost goosed Hubbs in the grocery store. Whoops. :-/
Friend: Ew: >.>
Me: I just wanted to give him a friendly little booty squeeze. He gasped and I immediately knew that my aim was not true.
Poor Hubbles. He tolerates way too much from me.
From a standpoint of linguistic precision, I’m pleased to have a term for this terrible thing to which I accidentally subject my husband to all the time. I really do hope that my personal definition of “to goose” will catch on, though. I’ve heard people make some weird-ass sounds when poked in the ribs, including goose honks. Hell, I make some super weird sounds when surprise tickled. I don’t like it, though, so don’t do it. This is as much for your safety as for my sanity and the sake of my bodily agency. I have been known to flail dangerously when tickled, and have involuntarily landed painful strikes to others’ bellies and genitals. Just don’t do it, y’all. I will hurt you, and it’ll be all your fault.
Anyway. Here’s to discovering more weirdo slang terms during my writing adventures! If you have any similar stories, please tell me in the comments. I’d love to hear them.
*Assume. You know what they say about doing that… I find it far too funny that I used that word in this post, considering the topic.