When I was in junior high, “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy, featuring Rikrok, was popular. The damn song was everywhere. I listened to the radio a lot more back then than I do now, so I’ll bet I knew every word.
Yup. Chubby little 13-year-old Katy Bug singing, “Picture this we were both butt naked/Banging on the bathroom floor.”
Wait, wait. Hold up, here. Butt naked… on the bathroom floor? That is repulsive. The song is already nasty enough, what with the singer talking about his girlfriend catching him repeatedly cheating on her, as well as his buddy telling him to deny everything instead of owning up to it like a grown-up.
Yes, I’m aware that this is supposed to be funny. I get the humor and am mildly amused by it.
Okay, Katy, focus. Let’s hone in on that “on the bathroom floor” bit. What the holy-heff is sexy about the bathroom floor? Bathrooms have toilets, and toilets overflow sometimes. Particularly careless drunks can barf wildly and miss the toilet, too. I don’t care how well you bleach that floor. It doesn’t change the fact that poop and pee and vodka barf have touched it. Caressed its every crevice, even. So when the singer says they were banging on the bathroom floor, all I can think about is his and his side squeeze’s crevices caressing those gross ass, poopy floor tiles.
And that. is. NOT. sexy.
I am perfectly willing to accept that many people are into certain things that I do not find sexy in the least. That does not, however, change the fact that bathroom floors are disgusting and cannot be healthy surfaces to mash your most intimate, delicate body parts against. Even if they’ve been scrubbed and bleached, you still have the problem of harsh chemical residue all up on your booty. This is a health issue, y’all. Yes, there are certainly less healthy sexual behaviors that one can engage in, but it doesn’t make this one any less… blech.
When I first heard the song over a decade and a half ago, I thought the line was “banging on the bathroom door.” Which, admittedly, sounds like a logistical nightmare, but sometimes you get The Urge so badly that you just gotta do it wherever, catch as catch can. However. While I knew very little about The Urge at that time, seeing as I was in junior high and didn’t even like holding hands, I still knew that the bathroom door must be a better surface for banging than the floor. These people are yucky, I thought as I sang along. Just jump in the shower. (Full disclosure: At that time, I was unaware of the inherent difficulties of shower sex. That doesn’t change the fact that shower sex is undoubtedly more hygienic.)
Man, I should stop now. I can’t believe I even wrote this much about that stupid lyric. I should be telling y’all about our new pets. We’re up to five now, by the way, because we have obviously lost our minds.
Anyway. This song is nasty. If you have sex on the bathroom floor, please clean your floor and take a shower immediately afterward. Most importantly, don’t tell me about it. Have a good Sunday.